Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
