Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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