Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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