I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
