mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
