Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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