I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
