forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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