Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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