i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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