My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
