and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
this is an emotional support booty call
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
