i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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