so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
