i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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