woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
