I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
