I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
