We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
