Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I bet he comes in French.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My vagina is officially offended.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
