I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
