Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
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im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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