I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
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and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
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First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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