Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that