Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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