if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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