someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
