I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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