Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
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Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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