so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
