somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
