I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
