I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
