is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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