with your own penis?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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