i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
