You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
