my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
