Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
