Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
