I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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