that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
