is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
