So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Let's get the cat blown out
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
