Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
