Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
