I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
