the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
