How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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