The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
