Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
