Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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