y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Houston, we have a squirter
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
