You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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