fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
