my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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