so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
